Epilogue: Joyfully Intruding in on the ‘Bridal’ Chamber
(1) Two Hearts Beat as One
Translate: Nancy & Sae
Immediately after the wedding banquet was ended, it was time to ‘intrude in on the bridal chamber’[1].
Zhou Lingyun, Gu Yang, Yang Meng, You Qi, Liu Chong, Tong Zhe, and Yan Yajing… all trailed closely behind Gu Hai and Bai Luoyin to their new home that was their little nest from back then. Since it had already been renovated, they wanted to spend a marvelous night there.
After Gu Hai and Bai Luoyin came out of the elevator, they took the keys out to open the door only to discover that it would not open. Bai Luoyin’s expression changed as he eagerly looked at Gu Hai. “Hurry up! Hurry up and find a thin metal, they’ve tampered with our door.”
Gu Hai searched on himself for quite some time before he found a curette and passed it to Bai Luoyin.
With that, Bai Luoyin consistently dug into the lock. Meanwhile, Gu Hai was watching as the number on the elevator behind continue to rise. He urged: “Hurry, they are on the 5th floor already, 8th floor, 10th floor…”
When the number jumped to the 18th floor, Bai Luoyin twisted his wrist and the door opened.
At that exact moment, a small ‘ding’ sounded from the elevator.
Seven people darted out at the same time.
Bai Luoyin and Gu Hai bolted inside and hastened to shut the door, but unfortunately, these seven people had already squeezed to the entrance—leaving a tiny gap. With a powerful push from the outside, the gap widened. Bai Luoyin and Gu Hai risked their lives in order to safeguard their wedding chamber, however, the seven people spared no effort in breaking in.
In a fight that pitted two individuals against seven, one can imagine the final outcome.
Six men and one woman burst into a peal of demonic laughter as they barged into the two men’s little nest. Having failed to keep the villains out, the intrusion of the bridal chamber had officially begun.
In seconds, both Bai Luoyin and Gu Hai were stripped of their clothes until only their underwear remained. How pitiful were they as they stood nearly stark naked and waited for the seven people’s punishment to fall upon them. Bai Luoyin was fortunate since he and You Qi and Yang Meng did not have any grudges. The most tragic was Gu Hai. Everyone present now had some sort of sour history with him and was eager to get even.
Cough, cough. Zhou Lingyun signaled for his comrades to quiet down. “Let us proceed in the order that we had previously discussed. The first segment is, ‘two hearts beat as one’[2] and Liu Zhong will read aloud the specific rules.”
A round of applause sounded.
With their minds in sync, Bai Luoyin and Gu Hai threw them a disdained gaze.
Without wasting any time, Liu Chong read out the rules clearly. “Tricks for secretly using a cell phone in the military base…”…cough… Sensing that something was wrong, he immediately shoved the note back into his pocket then glanced at Zhou Lingyun with fear. “…I took out the wrong note.” With that said, he panickily fished out another note.
Zhou Lingyun spoke calmly. “When you return to the base, use your so-called tricks to seize ten cell phones from the soldiers’ dorms. If you miss any, use your own money to buy them. Do whatever you have to, but in short, collect a total of ten for me.”
Hearing that, Liu Chong nodded with a long face.
On the side, Yang Meng was secretly enjoying himself. You Qi who was in charge of recording everything happened to turn and capture Yang Meng’s face as he gloated over others’ misfortune. He decided that he will make a special collection from this segment and use that very expression on Yang Meng’s face now as the cover. That vivid expression perfectly reflected the wretched mindset of these seven people.
“The rules of this segment are as such, we are going to write an idiom on the board then one person will make a gesture and the other person will guess. If the answer is correct, you will pass but if the answer is incorrect, a cigarette butt will need to burn a hole on your underwear. When the time comes, we will stick the cigarette butt in a flowerpot; the person being punished will be blindfolded and the other person has to direct him toward the cigarette butt so that he can burn a hole in his underwear. It has to burn a hole for it to count as a successful attempt.”
Bai Luoyin protested, “We will definitely burn our skin using such a method.”
“If your ‘hearts beat as one’, his heart will tell you which direction to move and by how much. That will be a guarantee that you won’t get burn. If you do suffer a burn, it just signifies that the two of you don’t understand each other enough.” Gu Yang stood to the side and blabbered on as if such matter could be easily done when spoken out.
Gu Hai encouraged Bai Luoyin, “Don’t worry. Even if the answer is incorrect, I will not let your butt get burn. Besides, we will most definitely answer it correctly.”
After he confidently said that, he then asked Yan Yajing, the supervisor: “Is there a time limit?”
“There isn’t for now,” Yan Yajing said.
Bai Luoyin frowned, “What do you mean no limit ‘for now’?” Bai Luoyin said.
Tong Zhe, the scorekeeper spoke up. “We’ll remind you when you go over the time limit.”
With that said, Zhou Lingyun announced the start of the game.
For the first idiom, Bai Luoyin made the gestures while Gu Hai guessed.
“If three walks together, one can be my teacher.”[3]
This one is easy… Bai Luoyin thought secretly. First, he pulled Gu Hai to his side then pulled Zhuo Ling Yun over before he made them both walk around with him for a moment. Afterward, he bowed with his both hands clasped together in front of Zhou Lingyun to express gratitude before he shot Gu Hai a glare. Unfortunately, there was only a look of utter confusion on Gu Hai’s face. Taken aback, Bai Luoyin made Gu Hai clasped his hands together and bow down to Zhou Lingyun as well in order to express gratitude.
Gu Hai suddenly came to a realization.
“Two dragons fooling a pig (pearl)!”[4]
After he answered, Gu Hai smirked conceitedly as if showing how high his own intelligence in being able to guess a homonymous idiom. However, when he turned to look at the answer, everyone exploded into a peal of uproarious laughter. The video recorder in You Qi’s hand shook constantly, and Yang Meng laughed so hard that he might have gotten himself appendicitis. Even Gu Yang who normally did not smile, let alone laugh, could no longer restrain himself. He poked Gu Hai’s chest and praised him, all the while, laughing at him. “You’re really talented!”
Zhuo Ling Yun’s face was so green that it almost became moldy.
Liu Chong laughed and reminded: “General, according to the rules, you may provide the cigarette butt.”
Hearing that, Zhou Lingyun immediately fished out a thick cigar, lit it, and stuck it in the flowerpot.
You are truly the teacher I greatly respect… Bai Luoyin secretly thought.
After he was blindfolded, Gu Hai faced the direction of the flower pit and while employing a push-up style, pushing up with his arms to touch the cigarette butt. Since the strength in his arms was relatively stronger, he can grasp his actions better and prevent himself from getting burn.
Based on Gu Hai’s method, he wanted to burn the side of his waist. That spot was of no great matter, harmless really, making it an optimal choice.
Standing to the side, Bai Luoyin began to carefully direct Gu Hai.
“Move forward, a little bit more forward…move to the left a bit, that’s it. You can put your both your hands on the floor now, slowly come down. You are only one centimeter away from the cigarette butt…” Bai Luoyin started to sweat, “You can try to move just a bit more, can you feel the heat? That’s right, that is the spot where the cigarette butt is. Be careful, be careful…”
Under the pair of husband and husband’s mutual understanding, the cigarette butt successfully touched the edge of Gu Hai’s underwear. Then he got out of the way with a swoosh—his movement was simply beautiful, to say the least. Only a burn hole at the edge of the underwear can be seen, and the skin hiding inside remained unscathed.
Gu Hai stood up with a great sense of accomplishment, however, as he removed his blindfold, his lower body somehow also felt cool.
“Hahahaha…”
The men burst into a frantic peal of laughter.
While Yan Yajing hastily turned her face.
Our gifted scholar, Gu Hai, had burnt the elastic band to his underwear until it snapped. Without the tightness of the elastic, the edge loosened instantly, giving way for his underwear to drop to his feet in the twinkle of an eye.
“Hurry up and snatch his underwear!” Gu Yang shouted before he laughed evilly.
Bai Luoyin rushed over and became the first to pick up Gu Hai’s underwear. However, three to four men charged right after and attempted to loot it, pulling at it with all their might. Bai Luoyin firmly gripped the underwear, refusing to let go. This feral wolf was fiercely battling the crazy perverts as he angrily shouted: “Don’t you all have your own dick? Why do you insist on seeing his, huh?”
“I have never seen such a big one,” Yang Meng laughed mischievously.
Gu Hai’s underwear was nearly torn by the others yet the person himself still had an absolutely unrestrained smile on his face. While he was being laughed at, he was laughing at Bai Luoyin instead. This was the first time he had ever seen Bai Luoyin protected him so anxiously—the happiness that took his heart hostage was attempting to kill him. As expected, things are different after marriage. Since we are a family now, he knows how to protect his own husband.
Once the roar of laughter and noises came to end (for now), Gu Hai used a safety pin to bind his underwear and the next round began.
This time, Gu Hai made the gestures and Bai Luoyin guessed.
“Vast territory with abundant resources…”[5]
What a difficult idiom to express… if he could open his open, it would have been good. But only being allowed to use their limps to describe such an idiom was truly a troublesome task.
“Can you do it or not?” Gu Yang spoke. “If you can’t, we can just prepare the cigarette butt right now!”
Bai Luoyin gave Gu Hai an encouraging glance. You have to believe in the strength of our understanding! No matter how cryptic your gestures are, I can still understand what you are saying.
As a result, Gu Hai placed Bai Luoyin’s hand right on top of Xiao Hai Zi and then he took that hand away and shook his head to indicate that it was out of the question.
Bai Luoyin contemplated for a moment and then his eyes lit up.
“The little brother is big, don’t suddenly excite him.”[6]
Once those words flew out, Gu Hai quickly hugged Bai Luoyin. You are indeed my darling. Baobei, you understand me so fucking well!!!
Everyone was taken aback. Is that even okay?
With Bai Luoyin narrowly escaping that disaster, it was time for the next idiom which meant Gu Hai can guess.
“Complete nonsense…”
Bai Luoyin kept repeating the idiom in silence. In the end, he took their unconventional line of thoughts into consideration and cast a glance toward Yang Meng who had earlier barked out that he wanted to see a ‘big bird’. He smiled evilly and made his way over to him.
Before Yang Meng had a chance to understand the situation, Bai Luoyin pressed Gu Hai’s hand on the crotch of Yang Meng’s trousers.
“No ‘bird’, don’t talk!”6 Gu Hai answered on the spot.
Yang Meng froze instantly.
Soon after, there was another spell of laughter exploded in the room and even You Qi’s video camera smashed the floor. It was too fucking hilarious!!
Both of Yang Meng’s cheeks puffed up until it nearly burst. Who said I don’t have a dick? My dick is just deeply hidden and not exposed, that’s all! If I really took it out, it would definitely scare you all to death! Speaking of this, we have to bring up something that Yang Meng was immensely proud of. When he was younger, all the boys’ birds were about the same size. They would often stand in a row and compete to see who could pee the furthest, and Yang Meng could always pee the furthest. Since then, he had always felt that his bird was the most valiant bird in the entire world.
As a way to express their impeccable collaboration, Bai Luoyin and Gu Hai gave each other a high-five.
With the next idiom, it was Bai Luoyin’s turn to guess.
“The man sings, and the woman follows.”[7]
Gu Hai thought about it for a moment before he pulled Tong Zhe and Yan Yajing over.
First, he forcefully squeezed both of Tong Zhe’s cheeks until his lips looked deformed and he issued an unclear sound. Then he held both of Yan Yajing’s cheeks and pinched her lips, forcing her to let out a ‘boo hoo’ sound.
If it was with a conventional line of thought, Bai Luoyin should have been able to guess pretty close to the answer upon seeing such a scene.
However, the crucial point was that his line of thought had already been twisted by Gu Hai.
The idiom, ‘the man sings and the woman follows’, simply flitted by Bai Luoyin’s mind and what it rapidly twisted into was a very, very, wicked version.
“A chicken speaking with a duck!!”[8]
Pfft, the water in Gu Yang’s mouth spurted out.
What a well-guessed idiom to assuage their hate!
An insane spell of laughter broke out through the room again.
Tong Zhe immediately took out a smoking pipe.
[1] 闹洞房 (nàodòngfáng) – disturbing the privacy of bridal room (Chinese custom where guests banter with and play pranks on the newlyweds)
[2] Two hearts beat as one (心有灵犀), fully read as 心有灵犀一点通 means ‘hearts that beat in unison are linked together’.
[3] 三人行，必有我师焉 (sānrénxíng, bìyǒuwǒshī) – lit. ‘if three walks together, one can be my teacher’ (idiom, from the Analects of Confucius) that means ‘you have something to learn from everyone’
[4] 二龙戏猪 (珠): 猪 (zhū) pig and 珠 (zhū) pearl have the same pronunciation. Gu Hai was referring to Zhou Ling Yun as a pig while he and Bai Luoyin are dragons. The actual idiom 二龙戏珠 comes from ancient Chinese myth whereas ‘two dragons are playing with a pearl [with pearls]’. I think of the anime Dragonball bahahahahaha
[5] 地大物博 – dìdàwùbó / 弟大勿勃 (dìdàwùbó) – little brother is big, don’t suddenly excite it. Notice that the characters for the two idioms are different but the pinyin and the tones above it is the same. Bai Luoyin is technically correct since the meaning is similar, you know, said ‘thing’ is vast and abundant
[6] 无鸡之谈 (wújīzhītán) – no bird, don’t talk; ‘bird’ is a slang for penis and prostitute. Yang Meng got burnnnnnn; once again, the similarity of the idiom tones made the answer correct lol
[7] 夫唱妇随 fūchàngfùsuí – lit. ‘the man sings and the woman follows’; fig. marital harmony
[8] 鸡同鸭讲 (jītóngyājiǎng) – lit. chicken speaking with duck / fig. talking without communicating / people not understanding each other
luo.ye.hua 
Loving this
LikeLike